The Wolfpack Files

My Life in My Words

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Regrets, I've had a few...

Back in college I had a friend named Rachel. She and I were extremely close. We talked all the time, hung out all the time, did a lot together. I can honestly say at the time she was the closest friend I had. Well, one day she was waiting for me outside of class so we could walk back to the dorms together. My class let out and there were a lot of people filing out into a small hallway. So I, with my head, nodded towards the stairs to tell Rachel that I'd meet her downstairs. Now, maybe I didn't nod hard enough or maybe she didn't see me do anything, or maybe I should have actually said something. But I got to the bottom of the stairs and waited... and waited... and finally she came downstairs and walked right by me and out the door.

I admit I can be stubborn and pigheaded at times, but back then it was almost my calling. I felt like I had been snubbed. Rachel was pretty stubborn too and so we didn't talk. For months. We hung out in the same crowd, but ignored each other, since we both felt the other had been treated badly. Eventually we did talk and apologized to each other, but the damage had already been done. That time apart separated us to a point where our close friendship was reduced to being acquaintances. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life not talking to her immediately afterwards, just to find out what happened. At the time she said she felt I hadn't treated her like a friend. I thought she was full of it, but as my life went on, I started to understand what she meant. Yes, there's no question we both overreacted to the situation, but I blame myself for feeling that my pride was more important than my friend.

Since then I've developed this (sometimes annoying) habit of saying what's on my mind, whenever it pops up. Sometimes it can be funny (as when I used to interrogate random women in college - OK, you had to be there) and sometimes it can backfire, since it's not always the best idea to just blurt out what's on your mind. But if, with Rachel, I had gone immediately to her room and even just yelled at her (we yelled at each other a lot), we could have worked it out and maybe today still been close friends. Instead I sat back and expected her to do something, while she expected me to say something. And then neither of us did anything and the rest is history.

Over the years I've come to the realization that I am not a one man band. In order to accomplish things in my life, I need my friends and my family and I try and be a good person and help out whenever asked and be there for the people who need me. And at times I'll go overboard in wanting to help or I'll say things I shouldn't, but I also think that's better than hiding away and not being honest. I don't want to live a life of regret, and I never want to lose another Rachel.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home